Artificial LarxZex Baby
by Rani-Girl
Summary: When one of Vexen older, forgotten experiments suddenly works, Zexion is stuck taking care of the results; a quickly growing infant made from him and Larxene. But twenty-some year old schemers don't take care of children. Vexen wants to study it (when he isn't working, observing his replica, or avoiding being turned into a dusk) and Larxene wants to kill the little screamer. Great.
1. Chapter 1

**I don't own the Kingdom Hearts series. There won't be any real pairings in this. I tried to write it simply, but since it's the first chapter, it's a bit short. Tell me if you think I got the characterizations wrong, please.**

The Organization was having a fairly normal day. Half the members had already returned from their missions, and went about their own, separate business. Xemnas was busy on the Alter of Naught, Xigbar was off target practicing, Vexen was in his lab, Zexion was reading, Saix was barking at the freshly caught Demyx to complete his mission with Roxas, and Marluxia was tending to whatever (potentially man-eating) plants lived in his room. The rest had yet to RTC.

This normalcy was interrupted by the horribly loud, ear piercing wails that suddenly echoed off every blank wall in the castle.

In his room, Zexion looked up. He listened for a moment, then closed his lexicon, letting it disappear. So much for re-reading how to properly cast illusions (just to pass the time). For a moment, he thought Saix had finally gone berserk on Demyx. The neophyte could only slack off from working for so long before he was caught. And Saix wasn't too pleased with his recent mission records either. But the sound of the wailing was too shrill and unafraid to be Demyx's, he realized.

Zexion stood, ready to investigate the screaming. It almost sounded like an infant. Who would bring - ?

The mixed scent of darkness, formaldehyde, and urine immediately hit his nose. Zexion raised his upper lip in disgust. None of the members emitted such a smell. This belonged to someone he didn't recognize. More than likely whoever was screaming.

"Formaldehyde. Why is it no surprise my first thought is Vexen?" he wondered aloud as he was enveloped by a corridor of darkness.

"That is DISGUSTING! My coat is ruined! The stench better not last...!"

Zexion crossed his arms and placed his chin in one hand, observing the situation in front of him as the black tendrils withered away to reveal Vexen's lab. The blonde man was scrubbing a pink, soapy sponge furiously against the upper half of his cloak. The room was messier than usual; drawers thrown open, papers scattered everywhere, different vials of substances covering several of the tables.

There was also a naked baby laying on a wash cloth on the only neat table, screaming at the top of his lungs.

That explained the scent of urine.

"Are we kidnapping again, Vexen?" he asked with only a half smirk. As amusing as this was scene was, the crying was irritating.

Vexen turned his head slowly, eye twitching and scrubbing ceasing. "Zexion. What have I told you about entering my lab?" he growled.

"Nothing; that was Demyx. Why is there a baby on the table? And why is it naked?"

The blonde man's eyes widened. He dropped the sponge. Zexion cocked his head as his elder dove in front of the cluttered tables, grabbing at the vials behind his back.

"I'm simply testing a newborn's resistance against the darkness," he smiled nervously. "For research purposes, of course."

Zexion narrowed his eyes. Vexen was lying. "As much as I would love to comment on that, you are aware everyone can hear it, aren't you?"

"Hear what?"

"The baby's wails. If I didn't know any better, I'd think it were screaming in my ear in my own room. Surely someone else will arrive soon to investigate, soon."

The older man tried to respond. Nothing came out. "...!"

"...You have no idea how to quiet it, do you?"

"Of course I do! Do you think my lab is equipped to take care of a child's screaming?"

Zexion stared blankly at him. "Is the Superior - ? Oh, nevermind."

"Xemnas!" Vexen screeched as the Superior exited a corridor of darkness.

"What is that noise, Vexen?" Xemnas demanded.

"Vexen's decided to take up fatherhood."

"Shut up!" he snarled at the Schemer. Vexen turned back to the Superior. "It's a very complicated situation which I will explain to you in a later report. For now - "

"Goochy goochy goo! Who wants to get shot for making me almost shoot my other eye out?"

The three members turned to see Xigbar making faces at the baby, who had quieted down in favor of staring at the odd man.

"When did you get here!?" Vexen shouted angrily.

"Why is there an infant in your laboratory?" Xemnas asked in a low voice. "I didn't approve this. There better be a good explanation."

"Try whatever's behind his back," Zexion suggested while Xigbar picked up the baby.

The one eyed man grinned. "Here ya go!"

He handed (shoved) him into Zexion's unexpecting arms. The tactician held the infant at a distance. Now that he got a better look at him, he saw that the child had a tuft of silver hair on his head and large, green eyes.

Xigbar teleported behind the scientist. He snatched the vials away before Vexen could move.

"What are those?" Xemnas asked.

Xigbar's grin slowly faded. "Man, Vexen. You dirty old man, you. I thought you hated Larxene. Didn't you used to look after our little Zexy, too?"

"SHUT UP!" The blonde grabbed handful of his own hair, expression panicked.

Zexion scowled at the Freeshooter's response. "What are you talking about?"

"Look for yourselves." Xigbar turned the vials around so they could see the labels.

The scientist covered his reddening face. "Xigbar, I'm going to..."

The Schemer nearly dropped the infant. "Vexen...! Why...do you have...? How...? That is sick!"

"'Larxene Eggs' and 'Zexion Sperm'," Xemnas read aloud emotionlessly. "Just what is the meaning of this?"

The pieces put themselves together in the tactician's head. He looked at the baby in almost horror. "You artificially created the offspring of Larxene and I? Why on earth would you do that!?"

**I'm a little iffy on this. Again, I'm not sure I have them entirely in character. Does the last part seem too gross? It was the only way I could think of that didn't involve sex, pregnancy, or DNA samples (which I would think would make a replica or clone instead?). Anyway, thanks for reading!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Thanks to everyone who favorite/alerted/left a review!**

"There is a perfectly reasonable explanation for this!"

"I'm sure there is..."

"I always knew you were a secret pervert!"

"BE QUIET, YOU!"

"I'm more interested in how you got those...samples." Zexion moved to set the infant back down on the wash cloth. "Especially the part that left me unaware of this. Just HOW - " He couldn't say it. This was honestly something he did not expect from the scientist.

Xigbar shook the egg vial. "Unless my dad was fooling me, I'm pretty sure girls don't lay eggs. Aren't these supposed to be like, super tiny?"

"Put those down immediately!" Vexen hollered. "They are very fragile."

As if that wasn't obvious. But hearing that a vial of his own...samples was delicate from _Vexen - _the man that he sometimes teased, the nobody of the man that used to be his original's caregiver - was slightly vomit-inducing.

"Vexen, get on with it," he snapped, preferring to stare down at the odd infant in place of the scientist.

The baby stuck his tongue out against his lower lip, possibly in response.

"Just to be clear, I went nowhere _near_ either of you," the blonde snorted.

"As if," Xigbar retorted.

"II," Xemnas reprimanded.

"The most I did was open your bedroom doors. Unless you want the details, let leave it at this: I used magic to stop time a mere few hours after you both had gone to bed, gave a dusk the proper tools, and it returned to me with what I needed."

Zexion involuntary shuddered. "Excuse me, but this...situation...has put my mind in the gutter. _What_ kind of 'proper tools'?"

Xigbar opened his mouth to make a perverted reply, but Vexen beat him to it. "For example, a syringe and scalpel."

Maybe he didn't want to know, after all. The Schemer pulled a bottom corner of the cloth over the baby's private area, noting how tiny he (the baby as a whole) was. Whatever twisted experiment Vexen had been trying to conduct, this result was certainly... Effective? Strange? Disturbing? Yes, all three.

"You still haven't explained why you created a child in the first place," Xemnas interrupted.

"Oh, yes, right. Of course." Vexen tapped his fingers together nervously. "To tell the truth, I never expected it to work."

Xigbar laughed mockingly. "Yeah, right! YOU? You never admit your experiments are failures UNTIL they fail - and even then, we have a hard time getting you to say it."

"So help me, Xigbar..." Vexen turned back to the Superior. "I simply wanted to see if Nobodies could reproduce. It wasn't as if anyone were engaging in interc- "

"Reproduce!?" Zexion suddenly raised his voice. "We're the living bodies of our original selves! Of COURSE we can reproduce! What were you thinking?"

As he was looking down at the baby when he yelled this, the infant seemed to think he was shouting at him - that, or the volume of the voice coming from the close man hurt his ears. Tears filled green eyes, thin lips began trembling, chubby limbs started flailing. Another burst of crying pierced their ears.

"What a loud child," Xemnas observed, looking at VI out of the corner of his eyes.

Xigbar swooped over, placing the disgusting vials down. Much to the younger member's chagrin, he wrapped an arm around his shoulder. "Ah, our little book lover here is so in shock that he's a daddy that he's breaking character! I guess that makes sense. What are you, ten years old?"

Zexion wiggled his way out of the man's grasp. "I'm twenty-one," he snarled. "Vexen, I can understand Larxene being the only available female, but WHY did you choose to implicate me in this?"

Vexen gave him a condescending look. "Larxene, to put it lightly, is a bull in a humanoid body. Do you think I would choose someone as dangerous as her to be a part of my experiment? Let's face it, VI; you're a kitten compared to the other members. And there was absolutely no way anything of mine was being mixed with anything of _hers_.

"Back to my reasoning behind this, we are _nobodies_. If we were to reproduce, what would the offspring be like? Would it be born with or lacking a heart? Would it be able to control an element? If so, would the element be inherited hereditarily or an entirely new one? Would it one day posses a summoned weapon? Or would it be completely and entirely human?

"As far as I'm aware, especially considering XII's attitude towards most of the Organization, she isn't sleeping with anyone - "

"You have finally lost your mind. You've finally earned the title of 'mad scientist'," Zexion once again cut in.

"Zexion," Xemnas interfered.

"I think this is actually normal," Xigbar said, speaking slowly as if to a child. "When I got the talk, my mom said my dad acted the exact same way after she got pregnant."

Aside from the crying, there was a short silence.

"You were an unwanted accident," the blonde snipped. "How unsurprising. Moving on, after four consecutive failed attempts to create a stable embryo, I dismissed the idea completely. I had other important assignments to work on. I filed away all of my notes, research, and reports. I locked away the evidence of my experiments, but didn't dispose of any of it. That was eight months ago. One of them must have stabilized afterwards."

"But he was happy later," Xigbar continued as if Vexen had never spoke. "Then he thought I was a girl when I was born. It took the doctors ten minutes to get him to realize I wasn't." He sighed happily. "I wanted to shoot both my parents after that talk." He either ignored or didn't notice Zexion's disgusted look pointed at him. Instead, he quieted the baby by making more deranged faces at it.

"As interesting as that is," Xemnas, glancing strangely at the Freeshooter's back, "why was the experiment never reported? Had it worked eight months ago, would I have received news of news?"

Vexen instantly cowered under his Superior's stern gaze. "Of course! But since it was a failure, I saw no need to let...anyone...know..."

Zexion shook his head. This was truly annoying. Not only was it disgusting, there was an infant lying on the table as result. What were they to do with him? The castle was no place for a baby, the result of a sick man's decisions or not. It didn't help that it was noisier than an excited Demyx.

"There had better not be three other fetuses, IV," he said.

"Of course not," Vexen snapped back. "I checked for _that_."

Xigbar poked the Schemer in the shoulder. "Is it me or does this kid have more hair than he did a minute ago?"

It was true; instead if a silver tuft, the entire scalp was now covered in a thin layer of hair.

Xemnas raised an eyebrow. "You will be punished for failing to report and conducting an unnecessary experiment, IV. But for now, my curiosity is piqued."

Vexen stood up straighter. "Yes? What does that mean?"

"Determine whether or not the child can be useful. However, I still expect you to continue your work on the replica project as well as fulfill your punishment."

"Sounds like Zexy's green eyed mini-me is going to be neglected," the Freeshooter smirked. "Why not let the _parents_ take care of the brat?"

The younger member stiffened. "I have more important work to do than take care of an infant."

"Larxene hates children," the scientist huffed. His eyed widened. "She'll kill it. Then she'll kill _me!_"

"I can't wait to see everyone's face," II laughed. "Wait, are we telling everyone?"

"No," Zexion said firmly.

"I can no doubt take her on, but - "

"Enough," the Superior declared. "No doubt everyone has already heard the child's cries. There is no sense in hiding it. We will have a meeting to discuss this matter once everyone has returned. Until then," he glanced at the baby, "Zexion will care for it."

"What!?"

"You've already completed your daily mission. A messy laboratory is not a safe place for a child so young. Is there a problem?" He seemed to be challenging him.

Zexion gritted his teeth. He did not like this idea one bit. If Xemnas wasn't the Superior, he would have spelled out every reason the answer was YES, THERE IS A PROBLEM. "No, Superior." A smirk then spread across his face. "Yet, I have no experience in taking care of a baby. May Xigbar, who seems to have more experience with this type of field, assist me?"

The one eyed man gave him a murderous look. Zexion smiled innocently. If he was going to be stuck with it (the baby) thanks to him, then he was dragging II down along with him.

"Yes," Xemnas answered immediately. "You will be informed when the meeting begins."

With that said, a corridor swallowed the tan man, taking him away from the lab.

Vexen scowled at the other two. "Well, what are you waiting for? I have cleaning to do. Get out!"

**Sigh. I think I turned Xigbar into an idiot. I'll try to change him back in the next chapter.**


End file.
